— the sun will shine again. K. Kazik.
Don’t ever let someone convince you that healing is clean. Healing is messy and dirty and inconvenient and exhausting and wonderful.
I think this may be one of the hardest posts that I have ever written. The last few weeks I have just stared blankly at the screen, willing the words to come out and nothing seems to give.
How can you fight and heal from something that seems invisible? The battle where one part of your brain tells you it isn’t real, and the other half that knows this is so real and so exhausting that it seems hard to imagine living anything else.
If I look back at the last decade I can see clearly the battles I have fought, and how much things have changed. Why is it so clear to see the past but the present seems so unclear? It feels like I am in the eye of the storm, trying this and that, just to stay safe and alive.
The thing with fighting for so long is it becomes second nature. Some days the battle is just getting out of bed, other days it is having a bad day at work and trying to beat off the intrusive thoughts screaming that your a failure.
Every day feels like you are fighting against the world. The truth is, that world you keep fighting is you.
That’s the problem. There is no bad guy to take down, no dragons to slay. Its me against me, trying to decipher what’s real and isn’t. When you fight for so long the lines get blurred, the facts and the lies. My mind screams these intrusive thoughts at me, but when I step back and have some clarity I realise that is all they are. Intrusive thoughts. Just because you think something, it doesn’t mean it’s true.
SO WHAT DOES THE FIGHT LOOK LIKE? HOW DO I HEAL?
My fight is different each day but I think the important thing is to keep going, keep fighting. I don’t expect a win everyday, and that is one the most important things to remember. You only need to want to try to fight, to start fighting.
Some days I don’t want to win the fight, because the thought of winning the fight is scary. It’s unknown territory. How can I protect myself when all my safety behaviours are gone? These have been part of my life for over a decade and I don’t know who I am without them. Do I want to know?
But even when I don’t want to win the fight, I still keep fighting. There feels like a tiny part of me wants to see what happens next, what happens when you slay your dragons and the sun rises?
Lots of love, S x