I never saw it coming, maybe I should have never been so naive. We were together 10 years and admittedly at the end, things were strained.

Here’s the thing, there was no big row, no despicable betrayal, no cheating or event that blew up. It happened slowly, with more and more time in between dates & text message replies.

The daily catch ups and dates turned into weeks and slowly into months. Double texting became quadruple texting, just to see if *another* message would get a response, only to be ignored more and more.

Now I’m not just talking about another boy ghosting me out of his life, the standard practice of TInder and online dating nowadays. This was one of my best friends. The girl that I gave everything and more too.

We met when I was 18, working the same shitty retail job together. We bonded over birthday cakes and boys, and even passed our driving test on the same day. One spur of the moment night out turned into a decade long friendship where we shared everything from family crisis’s to boy dramas, fueled by our love for each other and for champagne *obvs*.

I didn’t think I could love a human more, she was beautiful, intelligent, kind and caring. She was career driven, family focused and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world to be by her side whilst she took on the world.

Then it changed, I was slowly less and less of a priority, I felt more like a hindrance than a friend, I knew less about her life than ever and I held on to the small moments spent together, taking in everything that changed since the last catch up.

She was constantly busy, and I was so ever understanding. I constantly text and basically *begged* for catch ups, willing to move any plans to see her, to show her how much her friendship meant to me. Months went by, the distance becoming unbearable, and the tiny voice in me telling me to give up, but I didn’t want to be the one to give up on a friendship; not when I had put in nearly 10 years of my life with this person.

A few months turned into six, and those six turned into a year. After a crappy start to 2018, and being hospitalised after a recent surgery, I got a random text out the blue asking how everything was, and after sending an over the top reply, so excited having my best friend back.. I got no reply once more. SIlence had never been quite so loud.

I spent so long wishing and praying she would come back into my life, wondering what I had done wrong and why I wasn’t good enough any more. Nine more months went by and her birthday came around, I couldn’t not do anything, maybe it was all a misunderstanding so I dutilously still sent her a card, filling it with love and magick, hoping she had missed me just as much as I had missed her.

That’s what finally broke me, and I realised I had to give up and let go. I got a text a few weeks later, thanking me for the card and after that never heard anything more, My birthday soon came around and I never even got a text or a message on social media. I knew then it was over.

That was over a year ago, and for some reason recently I feel haunted by the ghost of her. I cannot quite put my finger on it, but I feel like the void has silently been getting bigger and I can’t stop wondering how she is, how the family is, do they think of me like I am thinking of them?

I wish she had just bought a card, it could even just said ‘GIRL BYE’. Just a quick sentence to say why, ‘I know we spent a decade together but I have moved on’ – it would of been a hell of a lot easier than the unknown. At least with romantic relationships, even when you are ghosted, you can send all the evidence to your mates and go through every inch of the details to find out what happened or where you think it went wrong.

Friendships are worse, they are so much more intimate than romantic relationships, and it’s just a silent ending. You silently get phased out, with no closure and no reason why.

Years on it still feels raw. I drive past our old haunts, or hear songs we use to sit and drink the night away too and often wonder how she is, if she misses me or even remembers me. My pride is still hurt by the fact that I was phased out and I still feel shame, like I must have failed as a friend, not being good enough.

And then I wonder, how much time have I spent knocking on doors where I am not wanted, giving my energy to others who don’t want it or care about it, trying to convince them to give me a chance,  that I am good enough.

Strangely I have never been someone lacking in love, I have always had a small group of friends, I have a great family and never not felt love, yet I find myself center stage, knocking on those doors whilst my loved ones wait in the wings.

I guess the truth is that some friendships just don’t last forever, even the really good ones. I took being phased out and ghosted as a personal failure, it hurt to know that somebody I loved was moving on, and I was being left in the cold.

Losing a friendship like that has meant I have made room for new ones, but I admit it has left a void that I cannot fill. New friendships have blossomed, and more incredible women have come into my life and left their sparkle and magick in my heart. I hope that I get to grow old & grey with these beauties, but I know life is ever changing. So for now I surround myself with women who are clapping for me in the back, surrounding me with their love and in return I surround them with mine.

So my advice is: Go where you are wanted.Take a look around at who really is there for you, and who is really rooting for you to win. Take a good look and notice, you are right in the middle of love.